The Jester's Quart
The 100 Greatest Sports Movie Quotes
The American Film Institute recently released another in its seemingly endless "Top 100" lists (i.e. "100 Movies That Didn't Star Either Michael Caine or Gene Hackman"; "100 Movies With a Cop Who Refused To Do Things By the Book"), this time focusing on "100 Greatest Movie Quotes of All-Time."
As usual, there were some simply awful decisions. "You can't handle the truth!" doesn't crack the Top 20, but "Love means never having to say you're sorry" is No. 13? And "Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast" is No. 84, while "Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars" is No. 46?
The good news is that sports movies - usually the National Hockey League of these cinematic countdowns - had seven films selected, including "Jerry Maguire's" "Show me the money!" at No. 25.
I think the films AFI selected represent sports quite well: "Maguire," "The Pride of the Yankees," "Field of Dreams," "A League of Their Own," "Rocky," Knute Rockne: All-American," and, of course, "Caddyshack."
But how would these quotes stack up against their own kind?
Before I present my list of the "100 Greatest Sports Movie Quotes," let's address what I feel is the most important issue in compiling this list (besides the fact I tried to keep this thing rated PG-13).
It's called "The Spackler Factor."
Obviously, "Caddyshack" is the most quotable sports movie - and in some circles, movie in general - ever released. This list could have been an abridged version of the screenplay. As it stands, I tried to be fair and only include the "Shack" quotes that I use and hear used most often. Is anything that leaves Ty Webb's mouth a more memorable quote than anything in, say, "Chariots of Fire?"
Sure…but you don't see the AFI quoting "Star Wars" 100 times do you? Because it sure as hell could have.
And another thing: "On the Waterfront" is a great, great, great movie. But it's not a sports movie. Too bad…it coulda been a contender…
So with that in mind, and through the miracle of IMDB.com, here are the:
100 GREATEST SPORTS MOVIE QUOTES
100. Let them play! Let them play!
THE BAD NEWS BEARS IN BREAKING TRAINING, 1977
99. You're on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
KINGPIN, 1996
98. How's your wife and my kids?
MAJOR LEAGUE, 1989
97. Dwayne, you can get through college half-assed. Richard, you can get through life half-assed. But I'll guarantee you boys one thing … sure as hell, I'll guarantee you this: you cannot win half-assed!
BLUE CHIPS, 1994
96. That's not Yankee dancing - that's Devil Rays dancin'!
FEVER PITCH, 2005
95. Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.
HAPPY GILMOUR, 1996
94. I'm expectin' a guest, and his name is Mr. Jack... Daniels
61*, 2001
93. You're a goddamn quarterback! You know what that means? It's the top spot, kid. It's the guy who takes the fall. It's the guy everybody's looking at first - the leader of a team - who will support you when they understand you. Who will break their ribs and their noses and their necks for you, because they believe. 'Cause you make them believe. That's a quarterback.
ANY GIVEN SUNDAY, 1999
92. The most important thing to remember is to protect your quarterback - me!
THE LONGEST YARD, 1974
91. You mean play basketball?
WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP, 1992
90. Always protect myself.
MILLION DOLLAR BABY, 2004
89. I ain't doin' it for what people say, Blue. Let's race.
EVERYBODY'S ALL-AMERICAN, 1988
88. I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?
CADDYSHACK, 1980
87. Hey…Dad: you wanna have a catch?
FIELD OF DREAMS, 1989
86. You think there are men in this country who ain't seen your bosoms?
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, 1992
85. D'you know that bees and dogs can smell fear?
JERRY MAGUIRE, 1996
84. All I'm saying is, there's a reason why Sporty Spice is the only one without a fella!
BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, 2002
83. I may be dumb, fellas, but I ain't stupid.
EIGHT MEN OUT, 1988
82. Being No. 1 is everything. There is no second place. Second sucks.
OVER THE TOP, 1987
81. You want to know what I want? I'll tell you what I want. I want back what Bobby Fischer took with him when he disappeared.
SEARCHING FOR BOBY FISHER, 1993
80. Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.
CADDYSHACK, 1980
79. The girl of my dreams lives under my own roof, but she thinks I'm just a kid, a dumb jock, all of which is more or less true. I'm dying, Mr. Tanneran, just like that girl in the poem... only quicker, and with a hard-on.
VISION QUEST, 1985
78. I must break you.
ROCKY IV, 1985
77. Who you callin' psycho?!
KINGPIN, 1996
76. I understand you have underwear up your ass right now, but it beats the hell out of a shattered skull. Think about it.
BRING IT ON, 2000
75. You'll get nothing, and like it.
CADDYSHACK, 1980
74. While we're young!
CADDYSHACK, 1980
73. Ernie: They'll pay you 75 dollars a week.
Kit: We only make 30 at the dairy.
Ernie: Well then, this would be more, wouldn't it?
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, 1992
72. Harold: If I can't win, I won't race!
Sybil: If you won't race, you can't win.
CHARIOTS OF FIRE, 1981
71. You try the AFL?
PAPER LION, 1968
70. Now that's what I call high quality H2O.
THE WATERBOY, 1998
69. Eye of the tiger, man.
ROCKY III, 1982
68. Willie: Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.
Coach: You may run like Hayes, but you hit like shit.
MAJOR LEAGUE, 1989
67. But if anybody else wants to come with me, this moment will be the ground floor of something real and fun and inspiring and true in this godforsaken business and we will do it together! Who's coming with me besides..."Flipper" here?
JERRY MAGUIRE, 1996
66. This is no democracy. It is a dictatorship. I am the law.
REMEMBER THE TITANS, 2000
65. You're 5-foot nothin', 100-and-nothin', and you have nearly a speck of athletic ability. And you hung in there with the best college football team in the land for 2 years. And you're gonna walk outta here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame. In this life, you don't have to prove nothin' to nobody but yourself.
RUDY, 1993
64. The 4 horse! Nobody bets the 4 horse, Trotter. The 4 horse is a joke. They let little kiddies on the 4 horse to have their picture taken.
LET IT RIDE, 1989
63. This is my table, man. I own it.
THE HUSTLER, 1961
62. John: Is this heaven?
Ray: No, it's Iowa.
FIELD OF DREAMS, 1989
61. Ladies, ever have a quarterback sandwich?
NORTH DALLAS FORTY, 1979
60. I love black people!
JERRY MAGUIRE, 1996
59. I want Champ.
THE CHAMP, 1979
58. Whoa. Her ass is all over the place.
DAYS OF THUNDER, 1990
57. We will be perfect in every aspect. You drop a pass, you run a mile. You miss a blocking assignment, you run a mile. You make a fumble, I will break my foot off in you John Brown hind parts and then you will run a mile. Perfection.
REMEMBER THE TITANS, 2000
56. And who are you, Alfred Einstein?
KINGPIN, 1996
55. You know, if my dog were as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards.
THE SANDLOT, 1993
54. When you pull on that jersey, the name on the front is a hell of a lot more important than the one on the back.
MIRACLE, 2004
53. When making a business decision, the only color that matters is green.
HE GOT GAME, 1998
52. Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls -- it's more democratic.
BULL DURHAM, 1988
51. Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.
MAJOR LEAGUE, 1989
50. It's called 'incidental punishment after the ball is blown dead.' Remember, any man you tackle gets an elbow, knee, or kick in the mouth.
THE LONGEST YARD, 1974
49. You're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!
ROCKY, 1976
48. Ref: Got my eye on the three of you. You pull one thing, you're out of this game. I run a clean game here. I have any trouble here, I'll suspend ya!
Steve Hanson: I'm tryin' to listen to the fucking song!
SLAP SHOT, 1977
47. You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?
MAJOR LEAGUE, 1989
46. Pool excellence is not about excellent pool.
THE COLOR OF MONEY, 1986
45. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY, 2004
44. Ali: "Man, without me, you'd just be a mouth and a microphone."
Cosell: "And without me, you'd just be a mouth."
ALI, 2001
43. You wanna make it right? Then when you go to Nationals... bring it.
BRING IT ON, 2000
42. It's a fumble! FUMBLAYA! Sargie "Fumblina" Wilkerson fumbles the ball!
NECESSARY ROUGHNESS, 1991
41. You're excited? Feel these nipples!
BASEketball, 1998
40. This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff. Here, I've got pounds of this.
CADDYSHACK, 1980
39. Girlie tough ain't enough.
MILLION DOLLAR BABY, 2004
38. Oh man shut your anorexic malnutrition tapeworm-having overdose on Dick Gregory Bohemian diet-drinking ass up. Leave me alone!
WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP, 1992
37. Missit, missit, Nonnan, Noonan, Aaaaah!
CADDYSHACK, 198036. Up your butt, Jobu.
MAJOR LEAGUE, 198935. When I walked down the street people would've looked and they would've said there goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was in this game.
THE NATURAL, 198434. Sweep the leg.
THE KARATE KID, 198433. Gentlemen, the hopes and dreams of an entire town are riding on your shoulders. You may never matter again in your life as much as you do right now.
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, 200432. Juuuuust a bit outside.
MAJOR LEAGUE, 198931. Dead meat!
ROCKY III, 198230. Just be the ball.
CADDYSHACK, 198029. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
TIN CUP, 199628. Milk are for babies, when you get older you drink beer.
PUMPING IRON, 197727. It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / and you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.
CADDYSHACK, 198026. The horse is too small, the jockey too big, the trainer too old, and I'm too dumb to know the difference.
SEABISCUIT, 200325. The price is wrong, bitch
HAPPY GILMOUR, 199624. This is national TV. So don't pick your noses or scratch your nuts.
NORTH DALLAS FORTY, 197923. Ali! Bombaye!
WHEN WE WERE KINGS, 199622. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball.
FIELD OF DREAMS, 198921. Larry's not white. Larry's clear.
SPACE JAM, 199620. Hey Yankees... you can take your apology and your trophy and shove 'em straight up your ass!
THE BAD NEWS BEARS, 197619. A black man would rather miss than look bad.
WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP, 199218. California penal.
MAJOR LEAGUE, 198917. License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior firepower and superior intelligence. And that's all she wrote.
CADDYSHACK, 198016. This is your time. Their time is done. It's over. I'm sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have. Screw 'em. This is your time. Now go out there and take it.
MIRACLE, 200415. I love Brian Piccolo. And tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him.
BRIAN'S SONG, 197114. You win, you win. You lose, you still win.
RAGING BULL, 198013. I don't care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we're gonna be winners.
HOOSIERS, 198612. So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
CADDYSHACK, 198011. We're puttin' on the foil. Want some?
SLAP SHOT, 197710. You had me at "hello."
JERRY MAGUIRE, 19969. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
BULL DURHAM, 19888. Wax on, wax off.
THE KARATE KID, 19847. There's no crying in baseball!
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, 19926. Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.
KNUTE ROCKNE ALL AMERICAN, 19405. Yo, Adrian!
ROCKY, 19764. If you build it, he will come.
FIELD OF DREAMS, 19893. Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
THE PRIDE OF THE YANKEES, 19422. Show me the money!
JERRY MAGUIRE, 19961. What an incredible Cinderella story, this unknown comes outta no where to lead the pack, at Augusta. He's on his final hole, he's about 455 yards away -- he's gonna hit about a two-iron I think. Oh he got all of that one! The crowd is standing on its feet here, the normally reserved Augusta crowd -- going wild -- for this young Cinderella, he's come outta no where, he's got about 350 yards left, he's gonna hit about a five-iron, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing -- that's -- oh he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that, the crowd is just on its feet here, uh - He's the Cinderella boy, uh - tears in his eyes I guess as he lines up this last shot, he's got about 195 yards left, he's got about a - its looks like he's got about an eight-iron. This crowd has gone deathly silent, the Cinderella story, outta no where, a former greenskeeper now - about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac -- it's in the hole!
CADDYSHACK, 1980Add This Column To Your Site for free
Visit SportzNutz.com for more great columns and opinionPublished on the web and www.SportsFanMagazine.com since 1997, "The Jester's Quart" is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. Email Wyshynski at jestersquart@hotmail.com.